Fighting Demons.. Part Two

I have given myself 15 minutes to write this blog entry. Life is crazy busy right now and I'm going ten different directions at the same time. But, I have something that I need to get out so I am going to type fast and all of the thoughts I have been thinking this last week are going to pour out through my fingers life rain from the sky.. so hang on to your seats... Here we go.

My blog post last week caused a lot of inner conversations among people that read it. I know this because I was contacted in a variety of different forms of communication and was told so. I am always surprised when anything I have to say about my journey causes a response from anyone. I tend to think that I am the only one that thinks the things I do.. the only one that is fighting this battle. That couldn't be farther from the truth! 

The things I shared in my post last week were personal. The things that people shared with me about their feelings that were rattled after reading my blog post last week are personal. I find it a high honor to know that there are people out there in the world that are either thinking about making changes in their life or actually making changes in their life to take charge and get healthier because they are following along with me on this journey. This.. is what leads me to this post. 

I shared last week about some of the demons that I have fought and continue to fight on a daily basis. Well guess what folks.. some brand new ones reared their ugly heads this week. It was a rough week emotionally. This week I dealt with a lot of emotions of grieving the loss of my Dad. But guess what? I was able to keep my food issues under control and face those emotions head on with full force. How? I let myself FEEL the emotions. I allowed myself to THINK about the good times.. and even the bad times when he was at his sickest and I was at my most powerless to help him. I opened the door to my memories and emotions and I let it all pour out.. every last thing. I didn't let myself hold anything back because by holding it back and being afraid to think about it.. I was holding it in. I would be living in fear of that memory.. or thought.. or the emotion that memory or thought might bring to me. I shed many a tear this week in the quiet of just being by myself at work.. or on the commute to and from work. But every one of those tears might as well be stars falling from the sky because they are beautiful and priceless to me... and healing my soul, one tear at at time.

I realize that each of us.. every. single. one of us. Have skeletons in our closet that we drag around every day. We cannot drag them around silently our entire life with a big toll taken on our bodies. Some of us become bitter and angry and not pleasant to be around. Some of use turn to alcohol. Some turn to tobacco. Some turn to drugs. And many of us turn to food... all for one hope: That it will numb the pain of that gosh darn closet of CRAP we are lugging around. Do you get what I'm saying? Are you hearing me?.... I hope so. I really, really hope so. Because time is ticking and days are wasting away. 

I was talking to a good friend this last week and I was trying to explain to her my frustration with people that I know that so desperately need to get healthy. They think they can't. They think they need a miracle cure. I explained to her that I so badly wish I had a magic veil I could pull back and show them their life in a year.. or two years.. or three years... and have them see and FEEL their life if they started their own journey now. Today. If I had a way to show them.. there isn't one person that would feel the way they could feel and not choose to start today.

It sounds like I am preaching to you.. doesn't it. Well guess what.. I am. I am frustrated with people putting too much time into trying to figure out how I am accomplishing my goals. Truth be told, it doesn't matter how I am doing it. I found a way that works for me and I plead with you to do the same. 

Now, I would like to touch on one of the demons that I have fought since about day 50 of this journey. I call it The Demon of Blindness. It's the demon I fight on daily basis that keeps a shroud of blindness over my eyes. I have yet to be able to rip the shroud from my vision... and it keeps me from physically seeing with my own eyes any progress I have made on my weight loss. I continue to only see the same person in the mirror that I have seen the past 43 years of my life. The same hips, the same arms, the same chin.. I cannot see any physical difference. This is the reason I must put my entire focus on how losing the weight has made me feel. If I put any bearing of my success in how I looked, I would have given up after month 3 because to my own eyes.. I look the same as I did the day I started. Which leads me to my next thought....

Today, my husband and I did a little cleaning out of old clothes in the closet. In the very back corner, buried under a huge pile of shoes was what once was my most beloved pair of shorts. Now these shorts were not only almost 12 years old and fit perfectly.. but they had many a memory attached to them! They went with us on our honeymoon ten and a half years ago.. they saw me through the beginning of my pregnancy and I cried when I got too big to wear them in my 5th month. I painstakingly hemmed them when one of the pockets ripped off... these shorts were well loved. Why? Because I loved the way they fit!! I didn't have to wear a belt.. they just sat perfectly right on my hips like good fitting shorts do. So here I was, favorite shorts in hand.. Goodwill bag on one side of me.. garbage bag on the other. I couldn't bring myself to put them in either bag, so I did what any sentimental girl would do. I put them on... and then I laughed [because they fell down... and they I screamed for my husband to come look... and then I had to explain to my son why I was crying but not sad... If you look at the picture, you will see why. The old saying is true: A picture is worth a thousand words. And yes, I saved them... just for a reminder if anything.

 

Please.... start today....

 Peace, Love, Laughter

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