The Waves of Life

I've been on this boat for 353 days. Alone. 

I've watched as the world continued to turn, and wondered how in the world it could. How could everyone else not know the depth of my grief? There were times I wanted to shout out loud. Make the world stop. Just for a second.. give me a minute to catch up. To catch my breath. 

One minute you are surrounded by everyone. 

     Do you need help?

          No, thanks.

     What can I do?

          Really, nothing.

     How are you?

          Fine.

          How are you?

               Fine....

               How are you?

                    FINE.

                    How are you?

                         I'M FINE!!

     Are you doing OK?

          Getting by...

     Just call if you need anything, OK?

          Sure.

     

                    Hello?......

                                              Is anyone there?.......

                                    HELLOOOOO?

You know what I needed?

Someone.. anyone that is comfortable enough to just sit with me.... in silence.

                        There were four brave enough to offer that kind of friendship.

               ..... and I will never forget... that great and wonderful gift those friends gave me.

Silence.

Sweet, sweet silence.

Tears, a broken heart... and silence.

They go well together.

Alone. 

And all that I have are the memories.

And food.. I have food. 

I love food. 

It doesn't talk... doesn't ask questions... doesn't tell me what I should or shouldn't be doing....

In Dad's last days, after we knew his time was near.. we had the following short conversation:

Dad said out of the blue, "Nanc... promise me just one thing.." As he held up his huge hand with his finger pointed to the sky indicating a #1.

I leaned in closer, Dad was about to give me a wonderful piece of life wisdom! I didn't want to miss a word he was about to say... "What's that, Dad?"

He closed his eyes, opened them again and said, "Just promise... promise me... after I'm gone.. you won't go crazy and gain all your weight back... Sorrow isn't worth that price, Nanc... Remember that... please... promise me you will remember that."

My mouth dropped open in complete surprise at the words my Dad just spoke reached my brain...

"Dad!...... 

And once again he said, "Promise me..."

I promised.....

And it's been hard.

Every pound that I gain, and I've gained a few back, feel like 20 pounds each.

I've got to get control or the guilt alone will kill me.

But, I realize now that Dad didn't mean to put guilt on me if I gained a few pounds... he was trying to tell me then what he already knew... sorrow... it's a hard thing too work through. He knew what it was like to lose over 100 pounds and then gain it back due to great loss in his life. If you don't have an outlet for the sorrow, it will eat you alive, or the case of my Dad and I.... you will eat it alive. 

And the Waves of Life continue... some days it's so smooth my sea looks like glass... and then, out of the blue I'm hit with a 30 foot wave that knocks me off my feet. All I can do is hang on for dear life and pray my boat doesn't sink. I've tried to outrun the waves.. you can't. I've tried to steer around them.. you can't do that either. You just have to take them as they come and hold on with all your heart....

I'm holding on... for dear life.

Thanks for the words of wisdom, Dad... I promised.... and I won't let you down.

Blessings,